OK, so it's highlight time from the weekend....but before I start my highlights I must review what the weekend held for us.
Friday night we went to David Brannen's for some fun on the lake. Saturday we drove up to Dillard, GA and spent the day with my dad & stepmom. Sunday afternoon the students came over and hung out. Monday we spent the day looking at houses then had dinner with mom & Jim. That being said now maybe my highlights won't seem so random.
- baywatch jumps being performed on David's dock
- the arguement that ensues over pizza vs. burger & shake.
- certainly burger & shake would be faster...in the end the pizza vote won
- watching the disappointment on David's face when he realized that we were ordering pizza instead of going to burger & shake.
- watching everyone play apples to apples and the mass chaos that this game promotes.
- Ben getting frustrated in the middle of the game and quitting.
- Brittany not having a clue how to play the game so she just decides to throw out random cards.
- driving through the mountains with Matt
- watching football with my family while sitting outside the motorhome with huge mountains in the background.
- dad & Matt coming up with all sorts of ideas for dad to do then hearing Cynthia telling Matt to shut-up or he won't get any dinner.
- steaks, corn on the cobb, & mashed potatoes for dinner. dad making me eat a piece of corn since he grilled the corn instead of boiling it.
- it was the best corn i have ever eaten in my life.
- seeing the happiness on my dad's face Saturday having his kids spend the day with him.
- football being played in our yard.
- phone conversations with Rob. we all passed the phone around and said "hello".
- conversations around the kitchen sink. why is it that we always gather in the kitchen?
- pizza, cookies, brownies
- uno attack, this game brings out the worst in people. twelve of us crowded around the dining room table.
- Ben Hardy....where's my drums at?
- ping pong challenges, and pool matches
- playing games in reader's digest, who knew they would be so fun?
- waterboy was the movie of the night and only six people watched it
- Etta James playing in the background while Kristen braids Tracee's hair, Heather is curled up on the sofa reading Reader's Digest while everyone else runs in out and up and down my stairs.
- Who said christian party's were boring?
- choco-woman, carl, and sophia returned for more laughs
- Tracee attempting to drive a remote control truck and knocks a coke over in the process
- dipping fingers in a candle while it's burning
- looking at houses with Matty
- dreaming of what could be one day
- realizing what downsizing is really going to mean for us
- enjoying each other's company as we walk through houses and pick which closet we would get (as usual I will always get the biggest)
- the look on Jim's face when we tell him that we found a house right around the corner from their's.
- bruester's ice cream for dessert to top of the weekend.
OK...so it's been awhile since I have posted. Not because we haven't had things going on but rather I have been way to lazy.
Throughout the adoption process I have done my very best to remain positive. I have had my days of frustration. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about Eli, when I don't close my eyes and visualize holding him in my arms. For the most part they are just that, days, not weeks of being down sometimes not even a whole day. Today I recieved a call that absolutely crushed my spirit. I have mentioned to three people lately that I feel like it is coming soon. The phone call that will bring much rejoicing and a sense of panic as we rush around making last minute details. I have been working later at the office and doing my best to make sure everything is in order so when that call comes I am ready to walk away knowing that I left things in good hands and as organized as possible. So, today I am sitting at my desk when the phone rings. The number that shows up on caller id is the number to the adoption agency we are using. I will not even begin to describe the feeling I got and the thoughts that were running through my head as I answered the phone. Our social worker (Amanda) was on the other line. We talked for a moment before I said with a shaky voice "Please, tell me you have good news for me?" Then, there was silence, a long pause before I heard "not today." Amanda proceeded to tell me that we had received two objections. WHAT...not one but two freaking objections. I tried my best to listen to the explanation and realize that again all of this is part of the process. It turns out the one of the objections was with the Affidavit of names. Bethany had already been made aware that the PGN were kicking a lot of cases out due to this form. SO, we went ahead and had another form ready to be sent down in there if ours was to be rejected. Good news is our new form is already on its way down to Guatemala. The second objection is due to an error made by our attorney. I am not sure how long it will take to get the second error corrected and back in PGN. Bethany is in the process of checking on that for me.
All that to say this really isn't how I was looking forward to spending my labor weekend. With the thought that is going to be awhile before it is time. Amanda confirmed for me that it will be longer that two weeks. She actually told me to think very long term so that if it happens in a shorter amount of time then that is great but if not I don't get crushed again. If she only knew that I have had that mind set and still I am getting crushed. I have put on the mask of a happy face for all to see for quite some time now. But, currently I feel extremely defeated, tired, and discouraged. I want to see my son again. He is now almost 10 months old and I have seen him once. There are no words to describe the agony Matt and I feel.
We go on...putting on foot in front of the other. Leaning on my Abba, Father to carry me through each hour. I wish it was a happier update but it is what it is.
I have blogged on several occasions about my grandmother but I am realizing more and more how incredible she is. She truly is my HERO, I want to be just like her. All my life I have been close to her. The first six years of my life I lived in the same town as her, therefore I saw her almost every night and spent most weekends at her house. My mom has made several comments that when something happens to my grandmother they will have to sedate me. I just laugh the comments off and think of it as a compliment. Not many people get to have a close connection to their grandparents. I cannot put into words how much I love her, look up to her, and learn from her. I went over there last Tuesday night and ate dinner. Grandmom was quite talkative which I love because I love hearing about her childhood and about my great grandparents. What they were like? How did they live back then? We looked at some old pictures, they were taken in 1910, it's amazing. That night I realized how much older grandmom is getting...little things were more difficult for her to do. Her face was white and she was hot from being in the kitchen cooking for us. But she would not let us come in and help her. I offered to turn the air down to cool the apartment off but she said no..."I don't mess with the air, I don't want to mess anything up" she says. She is so determined to do things herself and serve her family. What a great example she is to me, she is Jesus with skin on to me. Matt and I went over to mom's tonight to visit with her and Jim but also I just wanted to see my grandmother. I went down to her apartment and sat with her. She was so excited to see me and to hear all about my day, my weekend, etc. She asked about her pictures of Eli and said that she was waiting for me to bring them to her. That was all that had to be said. I will have the pictures in her hand by week's end. We talked about heaven and what we thought it would be like. Throughout the discussion she smiled from ear to ear with anticipation of getting there. She seemed older to me tonight for some reason. She struggled with remembering simple names, names that she typically would never forget. Grandmom is getting older it is a truth that I cannot deny. I need to start preparing myself for realities but I am not ready yet. In my eyes she will always be around. I do know this for sure...if I make it to heaven before Matt then my grandmother is the first person I want to see after Jesus. I just love her. It doesn't matter to me if we are watching the braves game together, reading a magazine, or talking about anything and everything I love every minute of it. At 29 I love her more today than I did as a 6 year old sitting in her living room floor watching the braves and playing with my jar of buttons.
This time last week I was in Guatemala with Matty visiting Eli. It was an incredibly, amazing trip. One that I was nervous about taking...would Eli open up to us, would there be bond between us, would I eat the food all these questions and more ran through my head in the days prior to my trip. Excitement ran through our bodies as we tried to prepare ourselves for the adventure ahead. First off, let me state that I am not crazy about flying, I mean I don't take medication for it but I would rather be in a car. Secondly, I have a comfort zone that I am very fond of it's called America, it's called Georgia, it's really called Beth's bubble. Anything outside that bubble and I start freaking out. However, nothing could keep me from taking this trip. We were just giddy monday afternoon as we sat by the phone in the hotel room waiting for the call that our son was in the hotel and we could come pick him up. The call finally came around 3:30 that afternoon. We went to the place we were told and as we walked in the door there are no words to describe how I was feeling. Surprisingly I didn't cry...I took Eli from the foster mother's lap and just held him. Matty took some pictures then he took him from me. I had to learn how to share my son with his daddy. I wanted to hold him the whole time. After meeting with the foster mom and Karla (our translator) they left Eli with us. OH MY WORD, now it's our job to take care of the beautiful baby all by ourselves. We couldn't have asked for a better week. There were many moments I found myself thinking of how we could sneak him back to America with us. I couldn't come up with anything so therefore Eli is still in Guatemala.
Matty and I embraced every moment, we loved every moment from the 1:00 am feedings to him wanting to be rocked. He loved to play on the bed and he talks up a storm, you just have to understand him. Matty and I made our on language with him and it seeemed to work quite well. Eli wakes up with a smile on his face and he goes to sleep with a smile on his face. It could be that he has awesome parents and he was utterly content but I am thinking that God just really blessed us with a great little boy. I would be wrong to sit here and type like there were no issues while we were gone. I had a bit of a breakdown on Tuesday and Matty had one on Wednesday. It's hard to explain the feeling of bonding with someone but at the same time trying to protect your heart because you know that in a day or so you will have to give him back. People try to reassure you that it's just for a couple of months but that doesn't help. A couple of months isn't long when you are talking about some material item that is on backorder but is an eternity when it's your son and he's in another country with someone else caring for him.
Wednesday night neither one of us slept much, maybe an hour tops. We laid there and watched him sleep. The song from Aerosmith kept running through my head. The song from Armeggadon (I think). I lay awake just to watch you sleeping. Anywho, that's another post but thursday morning came way too soon. It was somber in our room, almost as if Eli knew what was going on. The last 45 minutes we had him I just sat on the bed and held him. He never wanted down or was fuzzy. He just laid in my arms and let me love on him, which is what I needed. Eventually, we made our way down to the lobby where again he sat in my lap. I don't think I have ever kissed a baby that much or said the words "I love you" that much. I need him to know that we were not just leaving him never to return. The foster mom and a friend of the family's arrived to pick Eli up. I just stood there, unable to let go, unable to hand him over. Wanting so badly to freeze the moment and keep my emotions in check. I could feel the sting come over my eyes. I could feel my face starting to get red. I hated it, I hated everything about that day. All I remember is giving him one last kiss before handing him to Matt. I needed to walk off for a moment and collect myself. Causing a scene was the last thing on the agenda. After walking back to where everyone was standing the foster mother was holding Eli. As usual, Eli was as happy as could be. My eyes met the foster mom's and she could see the heart ache I was feeling. She gave me a hug and reassured me that she would take good care of him for me. After that, Matt and I turned and walked away. I could not watch as they walked out of the hotel, as they were going to carry on with their lives as I try to figure out how to carry on with mine. It was a long day, a long plane ride home. Since, being home I have had a couple of good days with some pretty longs too. My heart is with Eli, my heart is in a million pieces. Top feeling like that with the news of my father having cancer and right now my world is upside down. God, however is in control and he is allowing me to go through this for a reason. I just wish I knew what that reason was.
Matty and I were talking just the other night about how we were feeling. It amazes me that he is so strong. I wish I had the same amount of strength as him, however, he is also hurting. It's hard when two people are hurting because you want so badly to be strong for the other one. As I told him...right now I am just trying to put one foot in front of the other and make it through one day at a time. He is superman, and he is letting me lean on him for strength, I just pray that he is leaning on someone too. It is taken a lot of people for me to lean on but each day I make it through. The future is unclear but eventually Eli will be in my arms again.
Last week I took two and a half days off prior to camp and other summer activities. These days were followed by the holiday weekend. I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed my time off. I caught a small glimpse into what life is going to be like for me. Going into the time away I had it all planned out in my head as to how my time would be spent. As usual nothing happened the way I had planned and I couldn't be happier. Thursday morning I got up and did a few things around the house then I relaxed on the couch until time for my hair appointment. Friday I did much of the same, I didn't leave my house until time to go to Rob's graduation. Home is good place to be. I didn't have any set schedule to adhere to, no where to be, no meetings to attend. Saturday I did actually get up and made my way to my in-laws (they were out of town) and I laid by the pool all day, I know it's a rough life I live. My mom came over, we talked, laid out, swam and just spent the day together. Then I went to mom's to see my grandmother, Matt met me over there and we had dinner with the parentals. It was a lot of fun...just us cutting up with one another, picking at one another they things used to be before we allowed things to creep into our minds. Sunday was church as usual but our high school groups were cancelled which meant that I had the afternoon and night free. Matt and I found ourselves curled up on the couch and chair watching the braves games. That has not happened in three years. I cannot begin to describe the level of contentment that I have been in lately. Sunday evening we got together with friends for dinner. Monday morning Matt and I spent the morning watching t.v. and just being together. Then he took off to play golf and I spent the rest of the afternoon and late into the evening doing things around the house. Cleaning, laundry, ironing, cleaning out closets, shoes. There were some moments that were clouded as I realized I was growing up and throwing things out that I haven't worn in years or that maybe I just didn't need anymore.
Girls have a difficult time getting rid of shoes and clothes. It didn't matter that I had not worn them in two years. I still didn't want to part with them because maybe one day I would have the urge to wear them again. This was especially difficult with my shoe collection. Matt loves to tell people how I own 50 pairs of shoes but only wear three of them. Trying to rationalize in my head reasons for holding onto some of the shoes became too hard. Bottom line my reef flops are all I wear 90% of the time. It was freeing to finally say goodbye to some things. Matt came home and raved about the house for the next 45 minutes before checking out my closet. As I am trying to finish up the ironing I hear holler at me to bring him up some garbage bags so he too can clean out his closet. After nearly fainting I immediately ran downstairs to honor his request. You cannot quench the desire for a man to do some cleaning by taking your time in getting the supplies to him. Now, I must say there are still some shirts hanging in his closet that need to be thrown out but we are talking baby steps here...it would be way to much for Matt to walk in his closet one day only to find that his wife threw out the ugly shirts that I have shoved in the back so hopefully he won't get the urge to wear them out. But the minute I get rid of them he will notice and I will never hear the end of it. At the end of the day our house was (and still is) spotless.
One little side note that has absolutely nothing to do with the above post. Our neighborhood has started doing "yard of the month". My precious husband who for the most part just minds his own business and lets NOTHING get to him. It is a trait that I love about him yet it drives me crazy. Sunday morning we are leaving for church and he notices that our neighbor across the street we received "yard of the month". Personally, I thought nothing of it. He also is in the lawn care business and his yard always looks nice. He is always out working on it. It is not cut as short as ours but it is still very green with no weeds in it, nice bushes, colored mulch, etc. Matt flips out about this guy getting the honor. He rants for about 10 minutes, now for a girl a 10 minute rant is nothing but for Matty that is like a whole day's worth of words. I tried to gently explain that other people do a good job with their yards too and they should be rewarded. Apparently, he feels very differently, last night we got home from my mom's house and he mentions that he is going to sand our yard tomorrow. So, this morning I am greeted by the sounds of mower, edgers, etc. I just laughed to myself...when I left the house the first work crew had left and Matt's crew was there starting to sand the yard. Just a funny story about my husband.
Tuesday night I am sitting at the office when my brother radios me to see how I was doing. I thought this kind of odd only because we are not that close. That being said we talked awhile about life and the patience that we need to get through life. He thanked me for coming to so many of Cody's games and how much it meant to Cody but that it means more to him. We talked about some other stuff and then he asked me to come to Cody's game thursday night.
Let me set the stage for you...Cody's team (NY Mets) are in second place and they were playing the Red Sox who are in first place. The red sox have not lost a game all season and have made this a well known fact in tee ball world. Never would I think that a tee ball league would be so competitive, but it is. So, coach Rob and my brother (EJ) are determined to put a blemish on the Red Sox record. These kids were so pumped about the game is was too cute. The parents were on the edge of their seats. The score went back and forth with neither team having more than a two or three run lead. Every player was playing their best and one couldn't help but smile while watching them. It came down to the last at bat for the Mets, with one out Cody was up. My nerves were on overload as were my sister in law and brothers. We were on the edge of our seats when Cody hit line drive down third base. He safely reached first, looked over at us and smiled wide with the thumbs up sign. He eventually scored the tying run and everyone went crazy. After the game you would think we had just won the world series. It was a game worth seeing and these kids will remember for a long time to come.
Saturday Matt and I will get Cody sometime that morning and will spend the day with him before going to his game that night. It has been an exciting season. What a way to end your tee ball career. This fall Cody will move up to pee wee (I think), he is growing up so fast. It's hard to believe he will be 7 in June.
I am drained, mentally, physically, spiritually. I have done my best to rest and not be out every night and I have been successful however I am still tired. It could be from the lack of sleep I get at night. It doesn't matter what you do to try and keep your mind clear it doesn't work. You throw yourself into your work thinking that you will be so tired when you get home that you will be able to go right to sleep but that isn't how I am wired. It's like my mind has a ferris wheel inside of it...it constantly rotates betweent work and Eli and so on. I go to bed and close my eyes and I see his face. I get up and walk into the nursery, I stare. Walk to the sofa and lay down there hoping to get a little rest. It is like this most nights, Matt tells me to get some rest but I can't. Nothing I do gets my mind off of things. Then there's Matt he is swamped with work right now and can't find any good help. Thirty bids to do and he is like three weeks out on some really big jobs. Praying that God would send him the help he needs but at the same time I am so thankful that God has blessed us. Right now we are both trying desperately to be everything that the other needs. I love his tired smile at the end of a long day. What I would love to do is throw everything off to the side and get away for a week with Matt. However, we cannot do that right at this moment. We are hoping to steal a few days before Eli gets here...that's for sure.The spritiual draining is my own fault. I have let other things cut into my time. Time that should be spent studying and praying instead has been spent doing other things. Things that really aren't all that important. I am disappointed in myself. Not that I haven't prayed or read lately that's not accurate but I haven't done it as often as I should or with a clear mind. Today is a new day and I shall commit to making this week different. I would love to be able to justify it to you. But that would mean that I am not taking responsibility for my actions.
